One critic’s view: “‘Crack A Bottle’ wasn’t the first terrible Eminem song, but it does find wild, psychedelic new ways to be terrible.” – Tom Breihan @ Stereogum
The public’s view: 2.19 / 5.00, in the bottom 25% of #1 hits of 2009
Bleach, vinegar, and napalm are useful products on their own but should never be mixed together. In 2009 we endured the hip-hop equivalent, with Dr. Dre and 50 Cent joining Eminem to make a track that was supposed to leave everyone in awe of the triple dose of charisma. The awe wore off within minutes. Today, “Crack a Bottle” is mostly regarded as a blot on the catalogs of all three rappers.
Collaborations such as this are, of course, very common in rap, but “Crack a Bottle” relies on the look-at-us-we’re-stars approach a little too heavily. Eminem announces each of the rappers’ verses as if he’s emceeing a variety show, and he calls himself and his friends “the platinum trio”. Too bad he didn’t write some platinum-level lyrics for this event. The main plot of “Crack a Bottle” is that the trio (or perhaps just Eminem) is riding in a Chevy Tahoe that is jammed full of naked women who are offering themselves up. It’s a sex brag that is led by perhaps the only top-shelf rapper who is inherently incapable of pulling off a successful sex brag, and somehow it gets stretched to almost five minutes.
Rather than reviewing the track in detail, I have a better idea. I’m going to envision an alternate scenario in a parallel universe, one in which Eminem decided to give this rap away to a different trio who had already scored a major hit together. I’m talking about Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting. The ill-advised combination of these three superstars led to one of the most poorly rated #1 hits of the 1990s, “All for Love”. Let’s imagine them reuniting in the studio to record “Crack a Bottle”.
Bryan: Guys, thanks for coming back to Vancouver for the “Crack a Bottle” project. This song is a little different from the last one and I don’t think we can scream in unison this time. We’re going to have to divvy up the work. Rod, this line is for you: “With a record of 17 rapes, 400 assaults, and 4 murders, the undisputed most diabolical villain of the world!”
Rod: What the bloody hell? I get in one bar fight and now I’m the Boston Strangler?
Bryan: Sting, I want you to handle the part about the bitches in the Tahoe. The key lyric is “Now where’s the rubbers? Who’s got the rubbers? I noticed there’s so many of ‘em and there’s really not that many of us.” You’re going to have to emote on that line.
Sting: Indeed, I shall imbue some melancholy. It is disconcerting that the quantity of promiscuous females has surpassed the supply of prophylactics, but it is just as Malthus foresaw.
Bryan: Whatever you say, dude. I call dibs on this line: “Kiss my butt / Lick fromunda cheese from under my nuts.” That’s exactly the emotion I was trying to express in “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?”, but I couldn’t find such graceful words.
Sting: Bah! That verse is mere Hallmark card sentimentality! I prefer the more elegiac allusions to fromunda cheese in the poems of Samuel Taylor Coleridge and Christina Rossetti.
Rod: Another shite song for another shite movie. Ah well, at least Disney’s checks always clear.
You have to admit, you’d tune in to hear what those three musketeers could do with “Crack a Bottle”. On the other hand, a version of “All for Love” by Eminem, 50 Cent, and Dr. Dre would be really, really bad.