One person’s view: “Enigmatic how something so dumb and talentless became so huge.” – halo19 @ Pulse Music Board
The public’s view: 1.85 / 5.00, tied for the third-worst #1 hit of 2006
Like many rap tracks, D4L’s “Laffy Taffy” sounds like it was made by someone who had borrowed Timmy T’s keyboard and was learning how to use it for the first time. While this is not enough by itself to earn “Laffy Taffy” an exhibit in our hall of “bad” #1 hits, we can’t overlook the song’s insane premise. The lyrics urge a woman to shake her posterior, in the peculiar belief that this body part’s motion will remind males of a piece of Laffy Taffy candy and will please them thusly. This absurd directive makes it impossible to deny “Laffy Taffy” a spot at our museum, so we better start clearing out some of the memorabilia from the older #1s to make room for it. I guess I’ll throw away Pat Boone’s purity ring and the grungy seat cushion I salvaged from the Starland Vocal Band van.
Laffy Taffy is a confection that manages to be both hard and viscous at the same time. Its purpose is to test whether a person is suffering from gum disease. If you can chew a piece of Laffy Taffy without any of your teeth coming out of their sockets, then congratulations: you do not have gingivitis.
Laffy Taffy does not resemble a human derriere in shape, texture, color, or odor, unless perhaps the candy is well past its expiration date. Likewise, normal buttocks should never resemble a piece of Laffy Taffy. The CDC advises women between the ages of 16 and 45 to have their rear ends inspected regularly to ensure that their flesh has not acquired taffy-like characteristics. If your butt becomes flat, sticky, and rectangular, and smells like watermelon or sour apple, this may be a sign of a serious medical condition known as Gluteal Wonka Syndrome. Contrary to the advice from the song, shaking an afflicted rump is not a therapeutically effective remedy for GWS. Shaking is more appropriate for butts that have turned into Polaroid pictures.
Much like a Vanilla Ice Electronic Rap Game, the lyrics of “Laffy Taffy” are so dumb that they are essentially parody-proof. One of the D4L rappers, Fabo, developed the concept for “Laffy Taffy” when he was searching for an unorthodox butt metaphor and happened to find a piece of that taffy in his pocket. I’d like to make a joke along the lines of “Good thing he wasn’t carrying a Jolly Rancher instead!” But I can’t do that, because Jolly Ranchers are in fact mentioned in the song as an analogue to a different (male) anatomical part. Fabo was one step ahead of me on that one.
Although “Laffy Taffy” has mostly vanished from popular culture, it did leave an imprint on a few people. One of them is a guy who I often see at one of my local parks. He stands on the stairs for several minutes while alternately bending each knee and pulling each foot up behind him with his hands. I used to think this was an exercise to stretch his legs and make himself taller, but after researching this post I now recognize it as a dance move from the “Laffy Taffy” video. This man is not just obstructing a stairway; he is also performing a public homage to the D4L crew. Shout out to Fabo, Mook B, and Stoney, and rest in peace Shawty Lo.
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