“London Bridge” by Fergie (2006)

One person’s view:  “I think this song has gotten us all desperate, searching for weird roundabout ways in which this might have been ‘good’ in some strange sense of the word.  Anything but having to accept we let something so aggressively and unabashedly miserable rise to the top – and then ordered seconds.” – standbytheseawall @ Rate Your Music

The public’s view:  2.58 / 5.00, in the bottom half of #1 hits of 2006

Scholars at the Institute of Applied Fergalicious Studies have been debating the meaning of “London Bridge” since 2006.  One theory is that the “London bridge” in the song is a metaphor for Fergie’s underpants, which slide down in anticipation from under her skirt whenever her boyfriend is nearby.  The panties stop at her knees and form a “bridge” between her legs.  This forces her to waddle around like a person who has belatedly discovered that all of the toilet paper is in a closet on the other side of the house.  The “London” descriptor may be an allusion to the nursery rhyme in which the beloved London Bridge falls down in the same manner as the singer’s intimate apparel.  Or perhaps the panties form a “London” bridge because Fergie embroidered a caricature of the Queen on them in an effort to stimulate the boyfriend.  That guy is into some weird things.

The opposing view is that “London Bridge” is just made-up stupidity that was intended to ride on the coattails of Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl”.  Like “Hollaback Girl”, “London Bridge” relies on a cryptic lyrical theme, an angry cheerleader-style chant, and the incessant use of the word “shit”.  Fergie does not, however, equate excrement with bananas as Stefani did in her song.  She didn’t want to permanently wreck her chances of signing a lucrative endorsement deal with Chiquita.

“London Bridge” has also been compared to Fergie’s previous single with the Black Eyed Peas, “My Humps”.  Both hits present themselves as sexy, yet any use of either song’s lyrics in an actual bedroom scenario is likely to result in involuntary abstinence.  (Praising your girlfriend’s skin tags and warts as “lovely lady lumps” is rarely taken as a compliment.)  Sociologists have measured a decline in sexual activity that began around the mid-2000s, and we can probably blame Fergie for this.  I think 50 Cent may have contributed a bit too, though, with “Candy Shop”.

The most surprising thing about “London Bridge” is that it isn’t hated more than it is.  The beat is catchy enough to earn it a number of devoted fans, some of whom praised the track on a Reddit thread.  However, no one leaped to the song’s defense when it was attacked on a message board for sports journalists shortly after it was released.  The best that any of the journalists said about “London Bridge” was that it was not as bad as Paris Hilton’s new song, but even that was not a unanimous opinion.  Eventually, the Fergie debate simmered down and the sports guys returned to arguing about whether baseball would be more exciting if it added a three-point line.

“London Bridge” was the first oozing tentacle of the Black Eyed Peas biomass to reach the #1 position on the Hot 100.  It served as a warning of what was in store for chart-watchers for the next four years.  I suspect that another Pea-affiliated song will eventually make an appearance on this blog.