Thursday, March 28, 2024

“Go Away Little Girl” by Donny Osmond (1971)

One person’s view:  “It’s a real bore of a song when you don’t listen to the lyrics, and awfully loathsome when you do.” – Lyzette @ Films Like Dreams, Etc., on Steve Lawrence’s original #1 hit version of “Go Away Little Girl”

The public’s view:  1.65 / 5.00, the worst #1 hit of 1971

The Osmonds were marketed as the safe alternative for pop music fans who found the Jackson 5 to be too threatening.  As such, they are one of those acts, like Pat Boone, who rock critics instinctively enjoy savaging.  This is unfair, as the family clearly had a lot of talent and had been performing together for years before anyone had heard of Jermaine, Michael, or Tito.  They weren’t a cynical, artificial construct like Milli Vanilli or New Kids on the Block.  However, no defense of the Osmonds can justify “Go Away Little Girl”.  It simply should not have been allowed to happen.

My guess is that Donny Osmond’s version of this song came about only due to time pressures.  When the Osmonds’ “One Bad Apple” topped the charts in early 1971, many people adored the sound of Donny’s high voice on the chorus.  However, he was already 13 years old and that million-dollar soprano was set to turn baritone at any moment.  There was only a brief window to cash in, and not enough time to commission songwriters to churn out worthwhile material for him to perform.  He needed a cover tune, pronto, and through some connection to Steve Lawrence it was decided that he would remake Lawrence’s #1 hit from 1963.  Osmond was rushed through the rehearsal and recording, and soon we had the entirely unnecessary return to #1 of a song that most people thought they would never have to hear again.

“Go Away Little Girl” is sung from the viewpoint of an older married man who knows that he can’t resist the temptation of being around an attractive young woman.  It leaves the impression that the “little girl” is applying for a job in his office, and he is rejecting her on a discriminatory basis to prevent a later sexual harassment suit and a divorce.  In other words, the singer sounds like a creep.  This doesn’t necessarily make it a bad song, and there are plenty of examples of #1 hits with lecherous lyrics that manage to be perfectly entertaining.  In the late 1970s, for instance, we had “Hot Child in the City” and “My Sharona”.  The problem with “Go Away Little Girl” is that the guy seems to be utterly clueless about his creepiness.  He’s a one-dimensional stereotype of a chauvinistic early ‘60s businessman, someone who probably wasn’t all that common but is today regarded as an example of how not to behave.  And the melody and arrangement are bland stereotypical representations of that bygone era, too – on both Lawrence’s original and Osmond’s update.

When performed by a prepubescent boy, “Go Away Little Girl” is no longer vaguely offensive.  Now it is completely pointless.  It does at least prove that Donny can sing, but there were many less bothersome ways in which he could have demonstrated his skills.  A cover version of “The Ballad of the Green Berets” or “Mr. Custer” would have been preferable.

The ascension of Donny Osmond’s “Go Away Little Girl” to the #1 position on the Hot 100 is a moment in which the checks and balances of American society completely broke down.  Someone at MGM could have chosen to promote a different track and put this one on a B-side.  Radio broadcasters could have invoked their obligation to serve the public interest and refused to air the record.  Consumers could have said, “I already have a Steve Lawrence 45 of this song that I never play.  Fool me once…”  It’s unclear why none of that happened.  This ranks up there with “Honey” as one of the most inexplicable #1 hits.

If you think I’ve been too negative today, you might be delighted at my defense of the next “bad” #1 hit that will be discussed here.  Or you might very well be horrified.

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