One person’s view: “It’s a song that only became more grating with years. … Her future singles made it even worse.” – gokurotfl @ Reddit
The public’s view: 1.31 / 5.00, the worst #1 hit from Biblical times through 2014
Once upon a time, we could only fantasize about what pop stars’ toilets might be like. In my imagination, Prince had a purple commode. Mötley Crüe had a toilet with a powerful flush to quickly dispose of evidence in the event of a police raid. The blue-collar toilet at Bruce Springsteen’s recording studio went on strike for better working conditions after the E Street Band competed in a chili-dog-eating contest. But these were just educated guesses. Musicians gave endless interviews about their songwriting inspirations, their favorite guitars, and the ridiculous videos they were made to do, but never talked about the porcelain that populated their bathrooms.
Meghan Trainor changed that. She proudly informed the world that she installed side-by-side toilets in her house so that she and her husband, former child actor Daryl Sabara, would never have to spend a moment apart. She’s also told several explicit anecdotes about her and her family using the fixtures to go Number One and Number Two. If human beings ever start going Number Three, we’ll find out about it in an Instagram from Meghan.
Trainor’s over-sharing hasn’t always been met with enthusiasm by the public. But before people were angry at her for her potty stories, they were angry at her for her music. She has released a series of tracks that seem deliberately constructed to annoy as many people as possible. Consider “Dear Future Husband”, which consists of a list of very specific demands that she intends to impose on her spouse. For example, she dictates which side of the bed she will be sleeping on. Oddly, she doesn’t mention the lack of bathroom privacy, which is a far more important thing for a future husband to know before spending two months of his Spy Kids residuals – roughly $80 – on an engagement ring. Meghan should have incorporated the dual toilets into the song, the vows, and possibly even the wedding invitations. (“The bride and groom are registered at the plumbing department of Home Depot.”)
She also recorded “No”, a song that warns men not to dare approach her at a nightclub. Prior to “No”, many guys thought that clubs were the one remaining setting where they were allowed to introduce themselves to women without being reported to the authorities or shamed on social media. Meghan sure put an end to that unwelcome behavior! Everyone now understands that proper male nightclub etiquette is to quietly sip on an overpriced beverage while gazing at the floor.
Then there was her broadly hated Charlie Puth duet “Marvin Gaye”, which “honored” a legendary singer-songwriter by using his name as a verb for sex. While Marvin Gaye did make a couple of well-known bedroom anthems, he attracted more praise for his socially conscious songs such as “What’s Going On”. He deserved better than the lexical abuse he got from Meghan and Charlie. Imagine if we reduced other singers’ lengthy careers to just one or two unrepresentative recordings. Billy Joel’s name might be used as a synonym for haranguing people with an unwanted history lesson. “My dad likes to Billy Joel us at the dinner table about the Iran-Contra scandal of 1986.” To “Elton John” someone would be to eulogize them with an overly sentimental tribute song following a tragic car crash. “If Paul Walker knew he was going to get Elton Johnned by Charlie Puth, he would have called a cab.” And Meghan herself would become an indelible addition to the English language. “She tried to Meghan Trainor me and now the wedding is off.”
So what about Trainor’s first hit, “All About That Bass”? While its legacy has certainly been dragged down by her later music, it still managed to rankle people all by itself. All of the qualities that make it fun and memorable to some listeners cause it to exasperate everyone else. If you aren’t a car mechanic, for example, you can’t fully appreciate Meghan’s clever reworking of NAPA Auto Parts’ claim to have “all the right parts in all the right places”. There’s also an obvious contradiction in the song’s message. It urges girls to accept their bodies as “perfect” no matter what, despite praising those with ample keisters as more perfect than the rest. And Trainor is not the ideal person to sing some of the butt-bragging lyrics. Anyone who professes to be “bringing booty back” should have a caboose big enough to knock people’s food off of their tables when walking past them in a restaurant, but Sir Mix-a-Lot wouldn’t even look up from his salad for a woman with Meghan’s dimensions.
“All About That Bass” is the type of tune that has “one-hit wonder” written all over it, so it’s amazing that Trainor has managed to stay in the spotlight for 10 years. How many of the other debut acts from 2014 have accomplished that? Not even the inimitable Bobby Shmurda was able to maintain a pop culture presence for more than a couple months. We should all learn an important lesson from Meghan’s durability: it pays to talk about toilets as much as possible.
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