“Rude” by Magic! (2014)

One critic’s view:  “‘Rude,’ at least to my ears, sounds like hot boiled ass.  …  I know that a song like this is to function as chilled-out background music, but I find its wan, aggressively bland studio-pop version of reggae to be offensively unpleasant.” – Tom Breihan @ Stereogum

The public’s view:  1.65 / 5.00, the second-worst #1 hit of 2014

One of the neat things about pop music is that even an unremarkable song can sometimes strike the wrong nerve and send a person over the edge.  For noted #1 hit scholar Tom Breihan, Magic!’s “Rude” is just such a song.  Tom seems like an extremely tolerant guy who tries to find something to enjoy about every piece of music that he experiences.  He liked “London Bridge” and “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”, for crying out loud!  “Rude” was only the second chart-topper of the millennium to earn Breihan’s dreaded “1 out of 10” rating, and he is not alone in his disdain for it.

Magic! is often compared to the pop-reggae group UB40, which had a couple of #1 records in the 1980s and 1990s.  These days, UB40 is best known as the band that once sparked a bar brawl involving future Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.  The conservative jurist-in-training was a fan of the socialist-leaning musical group, and he and his buddies were caught gawking at a man who they incorrectly believed to be UB40 lead singer Ali Campbell.  The encounter culminated in one of Kavanaugh’s friends bashing the Campbell look-alike over the head with a beer mug.  This is the type of pugilistic publicity that Magic! needs if they are ever to score a second hit single.  Their lead singer Nasri should provoke Justice Elena Kagan into whacking him with a pool cue the next time he encounters her at a tavern.

Aside from the UB40-ish whitewashed reggae sound, the biggest complaint about “Rude” is the lyrical concept.  Nasri tells us that he put on his best suit and went to his girlfriend’s father’s house and asked for the man’s blessing to marry the daughter.  The man said no.  Nasri’s response is to call the dad “rude” and defiantly vow to wed the guy’s daughter anyway.  The bride will be wearing white, and Nasri will be wearing spite.  He will stay in that marriage no matter how miserable it becomes, because he knows that it bothers the old man.

Politely asking for permission, even when not strictly necessary, helps mitigate conflict.  But Nasri doesn’t quite grasp how this works, and he also doesn’t understand who exactly is the rude one in his situation.  Imagine Nasri going through a buffet line, and there are only four slices of prime rib left.  He could put all four on his plate – which is his God-given right as a buffet consumer – but this might be perceived as unmannerly when others are waiting for their turn.  So he helps himself to three and then asks the lady behind him, “Do you mind if I take the last one too?  I am wearing my best suit, after all.”  She says, “Nice threads, but I’d like that piece, please.”  Most people in Nasri’s position would graciously cede their claim and seethe privately about it later.  The protagonist of “Rude” will instead glare at the woman for a moment before calmly licking his finger, touching the coveted morsel of beef with it, and walking away.  With any luck, a Supreme Court justice will then stop by Nasri’s table to issue a ruling in the case of Bowl of Hot Gravy v. Entitled Reggae Dude’s Lap.  You shouldn’t have worn your best suit to Golden Corral, buddy.

I’m not surprised that “Rude” has very few five-star ratings on Rate Your Music, but the number of one-star ratings and half-star ratings is stunning.  Despite its questionable premise, I can’t imagine why so many people intensely despised this relatively nondescript tune.  But just wait for the next “bad” #1 hit that will be profiled here.  Oh boy.