“Hold On to the Nights” by Richard Marx (1988)

One critic’s view:  “I can’t really call ‘Hold On To The Nights’ a power ballad.  That would imply that it has some power.  ‘Hold On To The Nights’ is more of a middle-management ballad.” – Tom Breihan @ Stereogum

The public’s view:  2.24 / 5.00, the third-worst #1 hit of 1988

I bet you were looking forward to the inevitable day that I would write about Richard Marx.  You’ve probably been right here waiting.  Ha.  But his only “bad” #1 is not the song that you thought would be selected for this honor.

I consider Richard Marx to be one of the finest examples of a journeyman songwriter whose music expertly captures the zeitgeist without doing anything to push the boundaries forward.  A good journeyman can write a song based on any idea, no matter how flimsy, and it will fit in seamlessly with all of the other songs of its genre.  It takes a ton of talent to do this without plagiarizing anyone, and Marx is one of the best.  Even when he emulates another singer-songwriter, as with the Kenny Loggins impersonation he does on “Satisfied”, there’s no blatant copying.  In fact, “Satisfied” is the best Kenny Loggins song that K-Log never made.  Give Marx some credit for that one.

If Marx had been at the top of his abilities in 1983, he could have made some spectacular records by reverse engineering the hits of that era and constructing entirely new songs based on the formulas that made them so enjoyable.  Who wouldn’t love to hear more music in the style of Men at Work, the Fixx, or Culture Club?  Unfortunately, Marx peaked in the late ‘80s and the inputs that he used were corporate rock and power ballads.  The output was, unsurprisingly, more of the same:  his music was a perfect reflection of its times.  With that in mind, his songs should all be too close to the median to make it into the “Bad” #1 Hits museum.  So let’s investigate how “Hold On to the Nights” got to be one of the most poorly rated chart-toppers of 1988.

I think it’s because he didn’t follow the formula as exactingly as usual.  A power ballad is supposed to start building up to something no later than the second verse, but “Hold On to the Nights” takes an eternity to get off the ground.  The sheet music describes the opening tempo as “Moderately slow”, which is a breathtaking understatement.  It’s like saying that Marx had “moderately feathery” hair.  Meanwhile, the lead guitarist is outside smoking a cigarette for the first 3 ½ minutes of the 5-minute track while two verses, two choruses, and the bridge come and go without him.  Just how long am I supposed to hold on to these nights for, anyway?  My arms are getting tired.

“Hold On to the Nights” is not the typical b.s. love song that we’ve heard a million times before.  The man is not singing to his girlfriend or wife, but to the other woman who he’s been secretly screwing around with.  There is some depth and craftsmanship to these lyrics, and that’s probably why Marx felt the need to stretch everything out to such an interminable length.  He wanted to let those words sink in.  That decision paid off by giving him a #1 hit, but the song doesn’t fit with today’s busy lifestyles.  The only place I still hear it is the grocery, where it serves as ideal background music.  Like so many men and women before him, Richard Marx has completed the long and bitter voyage from the top of the charts to the P.A. system at Safeway.

It’s fine if “Hold On to the Nights” runs for five whole minutes while I hunt for chicken livers, Reese’s Cups, and a rutabaga as the last three ingredients for the new Jell-O salad recipe I’m trying out.  It’s hard to make a commitment to it in any other context.