“Closer” by the Chainsmokers featuring Halsey (2016)

One person’s view:   “I distinctly remember this as being the song that completely killed my interest in listening to pop radio.” – ElectriCobra @ Rate Your Music

The public’s view:  1.73 / 5.00, the worst #1 hit of 2015 & 2016

With “Closer”, the Chainsmokers provided a masterful lesson in how to write and produce a successful pop tune.  Musically, the song was a collection of hooks that squeezed every bit of commercial value out of the EDM genre that was so popular at the time.  Just as important, it featured wistful lyrics that young adults could identify with.  The duo’s craftsmanship was rewarded with a 12-week stay at #1 and obscene levels of riches, yet their monster hit has since followed the “You Light Up My Life”-type of trajectory that is a recurring theme on this blog.  Once an omnipresent part of American life, “Closer” is now seen as something that few people want to revisit.  Let’s explore how this happened.

First we have to consider the context of 2016.  I previously theorized that 50 Cent’s “In da Club” was so successful in 2003 because it helped people daydream their way through a tough economy.  Although the early 2000s stank in almost every possible way, most of us were optimistic that better times were ahead.  50 Cent tapped into that hopeful spirit.  But just as we got back onto our feet, another huge recession came along and knocked us back down again.  It’s what we deserved for being optimistic.  By the mid-2010s, there were hordes of twenty-somethings drifting aimlessly around the country with worthless college diplomas.  They were sleeping on stolen bedding and driving impractical vehicles that were on the verge of either breaking down or being repossessed.  The financially distressed on-again-off-again couple in “Closer” was the microcosm of a generation, and that made the song relatable at the time.

This lyrical theme of “Closer” reminds me of the Gin Blossoms’ “Hey Jealousy”.  Both songs feature shiftless male narrators who drink too much and who are trying to rekindle things with an ex.  Yet “Hey Jealousy” is timeless, while the dated EDM gimmicks and extra lyrical details lock the Chainsmokers’ hit in to an era that deserves to be forgotten.  The couple in “Closer” can now look back on that period of their lives with regret.  If the girl had leveraged her meager funds to buy stocks or real estate cheaply during the downturn, instead of a Range Rover, she’d be doing quite well now.

The concept video for “Closer” doesn’t boost the song’s longevity.  I watched it in the hopes of spotting someone deviously sneaking their roommate’s mattress out of Colorado, but there is no such scene.  Instead, I had to witness the Chainsmokers’ Andrew Taggart making out with Halsey for four solid minutes.  Halsey and Taggart are not unattractive people in other settings, but this clip turns both of them into odd-looking self-obsessed doofuses.  I would rather hear one of Meghan Trainor’s toilet stories than see these two cavorting in their underwear.  It isn’t surprising that the low-budget lyric video for “Closer” has six times as many YouTube views as this.

The biggest blow to the legacy of “Closer”, and to that of the Chainsmokers in general, came at a televised awards show where the duo performed the track with Halsey.  This was the night that the entire world learned that Andrew Taggart could not actually sing without the help of studio enhancements.  He later admitted in an interview with Billboard that he had “sounded like shit”, and that it was only the second time he had attempted to sing live.  Many viewers resented their time being wasted by this amateurism and lack of preparation.  A yodeling juggler with a hacking cough could have been put on the stage instead, and it would have been a far more compelling act.  But at least Halsey wore a sexy top.

If you really want to get triggered by the Chainsmokers, check out the Celebrity Net Worth web site and do some comparisons.  Kelly Clarkson has sold over 25 million albums and hosts a popular talk show, and is worth an estimated $50 million.  Hall & Oates, the most successful duo in Billboard chart history, is worth a combined $130 million.  Barry Gibb, who wrote and performed dozens of beloved tunes that have been played trillions of times, has about $140 million.  Meanwhile, the Chainsmokers have amassed $80 million – apiece.  That’s right:  two guys who can’t sing and who barely play any instruments, and who released maybe two hit songs that anyone remembers in the slightest, are somehow among the wealthiest musical entertainers ever.  Feel free to go outside and bang your head against a tree until the world starts to make sense again.

“All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor (2014)

One person’s view:  “It’s a song that only became more grating with years.  …  Her future singles made it even worse.” – gokurotfl @ Reddit

The public’s view:  1.31 / 5.00, the worst #1 hit from Biblical times through 2014

Once upon a time, we could only fantasize about what pop stars’ toilets might be like.  In my imagination, Prince had a purple commode.  Mötley Crüe had a toilet with a powerful flush to quickly dispose of evidence in the event of a police raid.  The blue-collar toilet at Bruce Springsteen’s recording studio went on strike for better working conditions after the E Street Band competed in a chili-dog-eating contest.  But these were just educated guesses.  Musicians gave endless interviews about their songwriting inspirations, their favorite guitars, and the ridiculous videos they were made to do, but never talked about the porcelain that populated their bathrooms.

Meghan Trainor changed that.  She proudly informed the world that she installed side-by-side toilets in her house so that she and her husband, former child actor Daryl Sabara, would never have to spend a moment apart.  She’s also told several explicit anecdotes about her and her family using the fixtures to go Number One and Number Two.  If human beings ever start going Number Three, we’ll find out about it in an Instagram from Meghan.

Trainor’s over-sharing hasn’t always been met with enthusiasm by the public.  But before people were angry at her for her potty stories, they were angry at her for her music.  She has released a series of tracks that seem deliberately constructed to annoy as many people as possible.  Consider “Dear Future Husband”, which consists of a list of very specific demands that she intends to impose on her spouse.  For example, she dictates which side of the bed she will be sleeping on.  Oddly, she doesn’t mention the lack of bathroom privacy, which is a far more important thing for a future husband to know before spending two months of his Spy Kids residuals – roughly $80 – on an engagement ring.  Meghan should have incorporated the dual toilets into the song, the vows, and possibly even the wedding invitations.  (“The bride and groom are registered at the plumbing department of Home Depot.”)

She also recorded “No”, a song that warns men not to dare approach her at a nightclub.  Prior to “No”, many guys thought that clubs were the one remaining setting where they were allowed to introduce themselves to women without being reported to the authorities or shamed on social media.  Meghan sure put an end to that unwelcome behavior!  Everyone now understands that proper male nightclub etiquette is to quietly sip on an overpriced beverage while gazing at the floor.

Then there was her broadly hated Charlie Puth duet “Marvin Gaye”, which “honored” a legendary singer-songwriter by using his name as a verb for sex.  While Marvin Gaye did make a couple of well-known bedroom anthems, he attracted more praise for his socially conscious songs such as “What’s Going On”.  He deserved better than the lexical abuse he got from Meghan and Charlie.  Imagine if we reduced other singers’ lengthy careers to just one or two unrepresentative recordings.  Billy Joel’s name might be used as a synonym for haranguing people with an unwanted history lesson.  “My dad likes to Billy Joel us at the dinner table about the Iran-Contra scandal of 1986.”  To “Elton John” someone would be to eulogize them with an overly sentimental tribute song following a tragic car crash.  “If Paul Walker knew he was going to get Elton Johnned by Charlie Puth, he would have called a cab.”  And Meghan herself would become an indelible addition to the English language.  “She tried to Meghan Trainor me and now the wedding is off.”

So what about Trainor’s first hit, “All About That Bass”?  While its legacy has certainly been dragged down by her later music, it still managed to rankle people all by itself.  All of the qualities that make it fun and memorable to some listeners cause it to exasperate everyone else.  If you aren’t a car mechanic, for example, you can’t fully appreciate Meghan’s clever reworking of NAPA Auto Parts’ claim to have “all the right parts in all the right places”.  There’s also an obvious contradiction in the song’s message.  It urges girls to accept their bodies as “perfect” no matter what, despite praising those with ample keisters as more perfect than the rest.  And Trainor is not the ideal person to sing some of the butt-bragging lyrics.  Anyone who professes to be “bringing booty back” should have a caboose big enough to knock people’s food off of their tables when walking past them in a restaurant, but Sir Mix-a-Lot wouldn’t even look up from his salad for a woman with Meghan’s dimensions.

“All About That Bass” is the type of tune that has “one-hit wonder” written all over it, so it’s amazing that Trainor has managed to stay in the spotlight for 10 years.  How many of the other debut acts from 2014 have accomplished that?  Not even the inimitable Bobby Shmurda was able to maintain a pop culture presence for more than a couple months.  We should all learn an important lesson from Meghan’s durability:  it pays to talk about toilets as much as possible.

“Rude” by Magic! (2014)

One critic’s view:  “‘Rude,’ at least to my ears, sounds like hot boiled ass.  …  I know that a song like this is to function as chilled-out background music, but I find its wan, aggressively bland studio-pop version of reggae to be offensively unpleasant.” – Tom Breihan @ Stereogum

The public’s view:  1.65 / 5.00, the second-worst #1 hit of 2014

One of the neat things about pop music is that even an unremarkable song can sometimes strike the wrong nerve and send a person over the edge.  For noted #1 hit scholar Tom Breihan, Magic!’s “Rude” is just such a song.  Tom seems like an extremely tolerant guy who tries to find something to enjoy about every piece of music that he experiences.  He liked “London Bridge” and “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”, for crying out loud!  “Rude” was only the second chart-topper of the millennium to earn Breihan’s dreaded “1 out of 10” rating, and he is not alone in his disdain for it.

Magic! is often compared to the pop-reggae group UB40, which had a couple of #1 records in the 1980s and 1990s.  These days, UB40 is best known as the band that once sparked a bar brawl involving future Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.  The conservative jurist-in-training was a fan of the socialist-leaning musical group, and he and his buddies were caught gawking at a man who they incorrectly believed to be UB40 lead singer Ali Campbell.  The encounter culminated in one of Kavanaugh’s friends bashing the Campbell look-alike over the head with a beer mug.  This is the type of pugilistic publicity that Magic! needs if they are ever to score a second hit single.  Their lead singer Nasri should provoke Justice Elena Kagan into whacking him with a pool cue the next time he encounters her at a tavern.

Aside from the UB40-ish whitewashed reggae sound, the biggest complaint about “Rude” is the lyrical concept.  Nasri tells us that he put on his best suit and went to his girlfriend’s father’s house and asked for the man’s blessing to marry the daughter.  The man said no.  Nasri’s response is to call the dad “rude” and defiantly vow to wed the guy’s daughter anyway.  The bride will be wearing white, and Nasri will be wearing spite.  He will stay in that marriage no matter how miserable it becomes, because he knows that it bothers the old man.

Politely asking for permission, even when not strictly necessary, helps mitigate conflict.  But Nasri doesn’t quite grasp how this works, and he also doesn’t understand who exactly is the rude one in his situation.  Imagine Nasri going through a buffet line, and there are only four slices of prime rib left.  He could put all four on his plate – which is his God-given right as a buffet consumer – but this might be perceived as unmannerly when others are waiting for their turn.  So he helps himself to three and then asks the lady behind him, “Do you mind if I take the last one too?  I am wearing my best suit, after all.”  She says, “Nice threads, but I’d like that piece, please.”  Most people in Nasri’s position would graciously cede their claim and seethe privately about it later.  The protagonist of “Rude” will instead glare at the woman for a moment before calmly licking his finger, touching the coveted morsel of beef with it, and walking away.  With any luck, a Supreme Court justice will then stop by Nasri’s table to issue a ruling in the case of Bowl of Hot Gravy v. Entitled Reggae Dude’s Lap.  You shouldn’t have worn your best suit to Golden Corral, buddy.

I’m not surprised that “Rude” has very few five-star ratings on Rate Your Music, but the number of one-star ratings and half-star ratings is stunning.  Despite its questionable premise, I can’t imagine why so many people intensely despised this relatively nondescript tune.  But just wait for the next “bad” #1 hit that will be profiled here.  Oh boy.